“New Book Offers Keys to

Conflict Resolution”

(Book review published May 1, 2004 in the Door County Advocate, a Gannett publication)

(1,233 Words)

Have you ever lashed out at your spouse or a family member and then regretted it later? Maybe, you inferred arrogance in your boss’s tone when she informed you that your job performance could be better. Perhaps, even screaming toddlers or rude store clerks have annoyed you. Did you stop to think about how embarrassed, inadequate, guilty, or resentful you felt? We’ve all encountered situations such as these—conflicts that arouse emotions we may not understand or know how to deal with. I know I have. Where might we learn how to cope with these situations and the blows they often inflict to our self-esteem?

A newly published book called The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict: Understanding Emotions and Power Struggles explores many scenarios such as these. Co-authored by my dear friend and writing mentor, Steve Sharp, and Dr. Erik Fisher, a licensed clinical psychologist from Georgia, this book defines emotions, explains how they relate to our personal sense of power, and provides insightful suggestions on how to deal with conflicts in a way that bolsters our self-esteem, rather than damaging it.

Dr. Fisher believes that “the existence of all emotions in humans is universal; it is what we do with our emotions that makes us different.” This simple theory sums up the book’s basic premise and compels the reader to explore the truth of this statement. Sharp and Fisher begin by defining power as a range of emotions that may change from moment to moment. Therefore, how we feel during any given moment often influences our reactions to conflicts, which, in turn, sets the tone for our interactions with other people, and sways our self-esteem. We often overlook the fact that conflicts exist not only between us, but also within us, so if we can learn to better understand our feelings and what causes them, we are better equipped to deal with situations in a more positive and productive manner and, in doing so, we form healthier relationships and maintain a better self image.

The book illustrates the ways in which many conflicts come about because of power struggles—whether we consciously realize it at the time, or not. Therefore, as Sharp and Fisher explain, our reactions to individual power struggles and our personal sense of power determine the roles we tend to play in our day-to-day conflicts and interactions. The book details each of the four roles that people often take on during a conflict: Victim, Persecutor, Instigator, and/or Rescuer. As Sharp commented in a recent conversation, “The roles we assume during a conflict are dynamic. The roles shift as we try different approaches to rally our position in a conflict.”

The reader also gains an understanding of how we fit into the power structures in our lives and how our social positions affect our personal sense of power. We live in a world that is typically, based upon “hierarchical systems” which urge us to compete against other members of our social and professional groups. Examples of hierarchies include governments and families, in which everyone exists under a “pecking order.” Where we exist in our social “pecking order” affects our sense of power, and vice versa.

As the book says, “failure is an emotion that tells us it is time to learn.” Fear of failure is one of the biggest fears that prevent people from trying new things or from pursuing new interests, and it has been one of the demons that I've found myself fighting, again and again. But, from reading the book, I've learned that fear of failure doesn't have to feel so threatening. I discovered that failure is merely an emotion, and that we each have the capacity to feel however we want to feel about our efforts or pursuits.

Just as no one else can dictate to us how we should feel about our success or failure with an undertaking, and no matter how much or how little success we have in dealing with our emotions, Dr. Fisher also points out that no one can take our power, unless we give it to them. “If we are passive captains on a ship sailing nowhere, then we must hold ourselves responsible when our ship remains lost at sea.” We must control our own destinies and take responsibility for our decisions, instead of blaming someone else for our failures.

At Steve’s suggestion, I read through this manuscript a few years ago, during a very traumatic time in my personal life. Reading this book felt so soothing. Being prone to emotional reactions, it relieved me to understand that I am entitled to feel whatever I feel—that by stopping to analyze my feelings, it often diffuses the severity of the situation and, even if I cannot always identify why I feel as I do, it helps me to formulate a more productive response. Understanding the nature of emotions, their effect on my self-image, and how they influence conflicts, enables me to understand myself and how I made many decisions, in my life.

This book is well worth the price and, I promise you, anyone who reads it will be rewarded for his efforts. Mind you, I don’t normally choose to read self-help books or find myself drawn to psychology, but this book is special. I really enjoyed Sharp’s sprinkling of effective, clear-cut examples throughout the text, and his confident tone enhances the book’s well-written style in a manner that is interesting and easily understood. Coupled with simple illustrations, exercises, and down-to-earth language, the book guides the reader toward a better understanding of power, emotions, and conflict. Helpful questions appear at the end of each chapter, as an added bonus, which serve as a personal inventory for the reader to identify with each lesson.

Sharp and Fisher each project over a decade of experience in their respective fields of writing and psychology that make this book a joy to read. With Sharp’s flair for the written word and Fisher’s bold theories and extensive clinical knowledge, this book will benefit not only the average reader, but also professionals in mental healthcare fields.

The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict is available through Book World in Sturgeon Bay and Passtimes Books in Sister Bay, as well as in online bookstores, such as Barnes & Noble, Amazon, and Books-A-Million.

Since earning his doctorate degree in Psychology from University of South Florida in 1994, Dr. Fisher obtained his license to practice clinical psychology from the state of Georgia, and has maintained a successful practice in Atlanta for the past ten years. He and his wife, Christina, are active in community service and volunteer their time and efforts toward assisting the less fortunate in their area. In his personal life, Dr. Fisher enjoys traveling, roller blading, and playing with his dogs.

Steven Sharp is a 37-year-old native and lifelong resident of Huntsville, Alabama.  He is a freelance writer with over sixteen years of experience in writing and publishing non-fictional articles.  Steve and his co-author Dr. Erik Fisher, authors of The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict are currently working on a book dealing with positive parenting.  Steve is also co-authoring a book that chronicles the injuries, treatment, and recovery of Marianne Robards, who sustained a head injury on a roller coaster at Six Flags over Texas, and is now permanently disabled. Besides writing, Steve enjoys spending time with his wife, Samantha, and their four cats and two dogs.