“The Essence of a Friend”

(849 Words)

(Essay published in the Door County Advocate, a Gannett publication, on October 14, 2003)

"The language of friendship is not words but meanings."
-- Henry David Thoreau

Have you ever considered what your life would be like without a friend? When I think about the few people I am privileged to regard in such a way, I realize how lucky I am to have them and how irreplaceable they are. During a recent misunderstanding, I feared the loss of someone’s friendship. This painful thought caused me to reflect on what a true friend really means, to me.

True friends are like gold—solid, rare, and valuable. I am very fortunate to have wonderful friends in my life, and I treasure them. I can depend on them for anything, but I don’t take them for granted. A friend is a special person who cares enough to be there when I need him and who knows that I will do my very best to support him, in return. Whether I need a good chili recipe or some advice about a romantic involvement, a good friend will not be too busy or apathetic with my concerns. A friendship lasts forever, and there is no bond that is stronger or more meaningful.

A good friend doesn’t mind if I relax and be myself. He may bring out the best in me or allow me to show off my worst, without conditions. We can talk about anything, from world issues to the weather, from problems that concern us to the various uses and definitions of pasta. I can be intelligent or stupid, intimate or aloof, passionate or vague about something, without fearing judgment. I can confide my deepest fears or share my greatest triumphs, without hesitation or fear of misinterpretation. We are able to discuss things and find a happy medium or at least agree to disagree. A good friend allows me to be me.

. One of the most important meanings of friendship, to me, is the certainty that two people will be honest with each other. A solid friendship requires honesty. Honesty fosters understanding and respect, and there is no friendship without these key elements. If the price of honesty is high, I will still gladly pay it—its high price reaps generous rewards. There is no substitute for having someone who will stick by my side, no matter what. He can tell me I’m wrong, or I misunderstood, or I need to improve certain weaknesses in my life, and I will trust that he offers these observations, without malice, and that I know he means them, with the intent to help. This freedom to be truthful must go both ways. Words might fly, but the realization that two people care enough about each other to be honest is worth it.

When friends are honest with each other, it sometimes hurts. A good friendship trusts that two people will forgive each other, time and again, and get past their differences. True friendships are not fragile; they bend but don’t break. Misunderstandings may occur, as do mistakes and bruised feelings. We are all only human, after all, and we all have the capacity to hurt and be hurt. A wise man once said, “Our conflicts do not define us, but how we respond to them.” A friend is willing to take steps to erase that hurt. True friends are willing to learn from their mistakes.

A friendship is a vault of sympathy, an investment in the human spirit, which cushions the losses in our lives. If we are suffering a death or disappointment, if we are angry or confused, a good friend means someone who is there to listen and offer advice, if necessary. There is no feeling so warm, no satisfaction so great, as that which I feel when comforting a friend

Good friends like to share things—not money or possessions, but share their time and attention, companionship and conversation, knowledge and experiences. Friendships need some common interests, if they are to last. From these, we share meaningful experiences and forge fond memories. Only true friends can ever be lifelong partners.

A friend is someone who will laugh with you when the rest of the world seems too serious.

Friends are trustworthy and careful with a confidence. They don’t gossip; they know how to keep secrets. They are loyal and defend each other’s honor.

A best friendship is important to me. It enriches my life in so many ways. Sometimes, however, a friendship that I thought held a lasting significance ends. This parting hurts deeply, especially if the reasons for its demise aren’t clear. The experience makes me realize that this person who hurt me was never my friend, after all. A best friend means someone who won’t disappear from my life, without cause or warning.

A lasting friendship is an emotional savings account that is balanced with loving care, tendered with honesty, and credited with understanding. The interest from friends’ deposits of time and attention grows into strong, healthy bonds between two people who like and respect each other—two people who share the wealth of their friendship, through conversations and activities. Though time constraints or distance may separate a friendship, true friends will be friends forever.